Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.