Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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WWE is French for “yes”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks