People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
You Might Also Like
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I think I’ll stand
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Whoa 😂
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.