Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.