I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
That eye roll….
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.