Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
The sacred texts.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)