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@AmandasNotFunny: Sitting in my car eating McD's, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go: "Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat.."
@mynameisntdave: Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
@thomaslennon: Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you're supposed to pick them up?
@BatmanOffDuty: *buying a dog* Is this a good dog? "Oh yeah, very good dog." Do any tricks? "No, I'm clean, selling dogs now."