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@Brentweets: "In case of emergency break glass" Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can't even open a Cheetos bag.
@KevinFarzad: Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We're in a drought, idiot.
@moneebthinks: Me: Another one, barkeep! I'm not driving! Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*