me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
You Might Also Like
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish