Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
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I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.