FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
You Might Also Like
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.