Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
You Might Also Like
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.