Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
i smell a pulitzer
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh