My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
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Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My dog learned how to text
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.