I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
You Might Also Like
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning