My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
brian had himself a morning…
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
“and how does that make you feel?”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Jogging
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.