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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.