Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Lmfao
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING