the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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I’d use my best pan on you.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“HELP WITH CAT”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van