The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
You Might Also Like
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.