Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.