Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.