Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Ghost costume 😂
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff