If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant