i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
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Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
(Electricians.)
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.