Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00