I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
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Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job