overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Uh oh…
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.