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@InternetHippo: [hell] Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity Guy next to me: Nooooo Me: I trained my whole life for this
@Carbosly: Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
@SteveSuckington: [first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
@ImaFlyontheWall: Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last.. Dad:Hey hun Mom:Yes? Dad: How old are you? Mom: 45 Dad:theres your answer kid