6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My Plans 2020
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.