Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Blew out my flip flop…
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
The best shot in the history of golf
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.