Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.