Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
This headline is a thing of beauty
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.