Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho