Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
True statement👍😏😁
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”