Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
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Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
New menu item
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE