Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
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“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
no one ever comes back
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.