Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
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Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.