brian had himself a morning…
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Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
How dude HOW?!
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No