Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
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I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon