Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Weirdos gonna weird.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.