Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Can’t, holding a grudge
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?