M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious