*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.