Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
pep talk
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
See..?
.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.