Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Was it something I said?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.