[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Hmm, not sure about this change
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.