Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
You Might Also Like
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Why is everyone getting married at me
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver