Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Buying a well is money well spent.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Oh the world we live in…
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”