“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.