Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Who’s your best friend?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Safety first
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.