Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.

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@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.

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@UnFitz: Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.

@sock_holliday: When I say books rule you say shhhh Librarian:... Me: BOOKS RULE Librarian: SHHHH! Me: BOOKS RULE Librarian: SHHHH! Me: awwww yeaaaah

@Sandrahadenough: I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones...I'm done..my arms are killing me!

@RealCarrotFacts: On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy - he was america's carrot

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@Reverend_Scott: FRIEND: wanna come over? ME: what's your dog up to? FRIEND: um, she's at the groomer- ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

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