@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
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@Jenny4ashley: No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
@AbbyHasIssues: Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
@OohSnapItsChris: My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza. We laughed and laughed. Then I fired him.
@aSapCoolDad: *shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I've been conditioning a lot for this race