@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
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@DrCephalopod: INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what's the time? ASSISTANT: what's the what
@KentWGraham: I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
@TheGuyOlson: In regards to Fyre Festival. I have a new hero.
@I_am_Lukem: I don't understand why people get excited about carbon dating. But then perhaps I just haven't met the right pencil.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey "poor choice of words" Stevens] Joey: "I just couldn't get that guy to go down on me."
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