@TashyP_: I'm not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I'll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
@skickwriter: *Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
@realbjdunne: [restaurant]
waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?
me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
@msbtx: "Snitches get stitches," I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
@farleftcoast: A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.
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