@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
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@AbbyHasIssues: Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world. Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
@hellohappy_time: Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.