@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
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@wesjohnson8: 62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean....... now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.
@SeanINCypress: If Batman doesn't wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.
@tlcprincess: Man reading a book: hot Man with a baby: hot Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
@abbycohenwl: [marriage counseling] Wife: I just wish he wasn't so clingy Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA