@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
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@TashyP_: I'm not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I'll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
@realbjdunne: [restaurant] waiter: can i bring you a drink menu? me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
@msbtx: "Snitches get stitches," I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.