@TashyP_: I'm not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I'll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

@skickwriter: *Reads your ransom note* *Edits for grammar and punctuation*

@realbjdunne: [restaurant] waiter: can i bring you a drink menu? me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you

@msbtx: "Snitches get stitches," I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

@farleftcoast: A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.